A question that I am finding myself wonder more and more everyday. I am even writing this on my notes as I sit on the sofas next to the toilet in Hidden, Manchester for End of Year Riot. The sofa has stains of god knows what, the stench is the very common aroma of sweat, shit, wee and bad dance moves – yet I feel a sense of calm. A mix between knowing I don’t belong, and being ok with that. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy nights like these were you boogie till 4am, but do I worry too much that I’ve been spiked? Yes. Someone will try to touch me up? Yes. Wondering whether it is absolutely worth it to stay up until this hour? Absolutely. Maybe I am ahead of my time, maybe my mind has been clouded by worries that are just all in my head, a fog covering my mind with the realisation of what could happen if I don’t consider all the possibilities. I know you’re probably thinking it already, but don’t worry I know, I am describing a textbook over-thinker and can confirm that I am just that.
I find that there is some beauty in being an over-thinker, when you overthink something that could potentially be wonderful but fear it is too good to be true and it happens is truly an exhilarating feeling. But boy oh boy, I find that it is more of a burden than a blessing, to be constantly plagued by a fear that will most likely never happen and constantly trying to not let it consume you is truly a hard task. Maybe that does make me more cautious than I used to be, being carefree is not in my vocabulary when I sense a feeling of uncertainty with whatever is happening. I am always trying to find the line between cautious and boring, which leads me to why I am writing this today.
I have never been the wild party girl type, it is not a title that I ever wished to possess, maybe that was due to me not going to university and opening that chapter of my life but to be completely honest, I am not sure if that was one of the things that drew me away from university as I knew going out till 4am every night of the week did not appeal to me in the SLIGHTEST.
The joys that I have in life may seem boring to some, but they bring me happiness and that’s really what it’s all about isn’t it? Going to the theatre, out for dinner, the cinema, shopping, reading a god damn good book are just a few of the things that spark true joy inside of me.
I started at the beginning of the year to start trying to listen to myself when I think I’m talking sense, however often or *not* often that may be. I am not someone that enjoys to stay up late, unless it is something really worthwhile to stay up for, my head naturally just starts trying to prepare itself for sleepy time and I think it is my duty to respect its wonderful wishes. I value my sleep probably a little too much you could say, but I recognise that is my body telling me that it needs to recharge and that I have used all of my body batteries.
The same goes for alcohol, I will never deny that I am someone who enjoys too drink, give me a spiced rum and coke and you will see a very happy Nicole but sometimes it isn’t something that I always want. I have always had troubles with my stomach, and sometimes that means that alcohol does not always react well with me and give me the the obvious desired outcome of nice tipsy drunk but instead have a stomach ache and gives me acid in my throat. N O T ideal. As you can imagine, it is not a nice way to feel so that has lead for me now to becoming more aware of whether I am enjoying drinking or not and if I’m not then I stop.
I feel like as a generation it is becoming more common to be focused on self-care and the idea of trying to look after our bodies more. That’s not to say that I don’t eat junk food and frequent a sofa a lot more than a gym but I am learning who I am as a person and trying to figure out and navigate what I like and don’t like to do and not giving into social norms or stereotypes of what should be expected of someone my age.
Maybe I am boring to some, to not want to do things I really don’t want to, but I would rather try and shape and mould my life to doing things that only spark joy in me.
Have a delightful weekend!